Foreign owned companies more likely to fail in a recession.

Foreign owned companies more likely to fail in a recession.

The CBI have again failed to report the findings of a report not done by management consultants due to time restraints and summer holidays.

The report highlights all companies are at risk during a recession of lower profits or even complete failure.

The report did discover some interesting facts.

• you are equally at risk of redundancy during boom time as you are in a recession
• American owned companies are more likely to relocate from the north of England to the south.
• British owned companies fail to recognise they are in a recession until it is over.
• French owned companies fail at the first hurdle and are not sure why
  

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Radio 5 live report on football

Undercover agents have found that non of the 5 Live presenters have ever been to a live football match.

Tank topped Rachel Burden said this was untrue and had been to see a Sunday League match in Skegness in 1962 and Victoria Derbyshire will have a phone in on the subject sometime next year.

Mike Saggers confessed that tonight's match with Chelsea v Manchester United in London was not live and was recorded last week and he did not attend but did a voice over - "I suppose we had it coming" but did defend the BBC's policy on being careful with the public money.

Nicky Campbell said it was just a storm in a tea cup because no one could actually see them could they?

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Free Legally Blonde tickets not available

The much hyped free ticket give away for the new musical of Legally Blonde has been shelved as nobody thought to do it.

Bailey Hanks said there will not be any winners of this none competition, but tickets will be available soon from ticket sellers on platform 1.

The film has a extremist fan base and has been very popular with the legal profession. A spokesman for the Law Society issued a statement to waiting taxi drivers. The statement, full of legal jargon was not understood and thrown in the bin. However a solicitor said "Most people in the legal profession cannot afford to go to shows like this and we were waiting for the free tickets, it now looks as if we will miss the opening night, unless we can issue an injunction and delay the show"

The Strand Theatre has denied being involved in the fiasco and said the show will go on for one month followed by the first performance of the 'Hedi Fleiss' play, the story of how she made people rise to fame.


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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Hurley Davidson announces new bikes for 2009 and 2010

Hurley Davidson, famed for its mopeds, is to step up a gear and produce a fully blown touring scooter for the 'modern man' . The 2009 tourer will feature an engine, wheels, and handlebars, and 2010 will see the introduction of the seat.

Future versions are likely to be with four wheels and an all weather cabin. Famous Harley riders including Elizabeth Taylor and Pamela Anderson, who rode the phallic 'purple passion' are eager to mount the new bikes and think the four wheel version might catch on.

Rival Sir Clive Sinclair has dismissed the new vehicles as a waste of time and will not enthuse the bike riding public as much as his revolutionary C5, which is due for re launch at Brighton Birdman Festival.

An idea insolvent motorcycle journalist working for Top Gear could not find adjectives, pronouns or adverbs to comment due to thought drought.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Budget airlines to charge for emergency services

Low cost airlines are cutting costs to counter rising fuel prices. The latest initiative is to charge for services which have been traditionally free.

Sick bags have always been free, but no longer, if you want one it will cost £1. if you use it and want it disposed, it will cost a further £1. And airlines will not be allowing passengers to use any unapproved paper bags. The alternative is not to just throw up over the seat in front; however, there will be a clean up cost of £100.

The use of the emergency oxygen will be free for the first gasp, after that there will be a £45 fee per mouthful of air. Life jackets will be available in 2 versions, self inflating at £30 and rubber rings coming in at a bargain price of £1.50. The use of the escape chutes will be included in the airfare.

Going to the toilet will no longer cost a penny but increase to a whooping £7.50 plus 10 pence per toilet roll square.

British Airline Pilots' Association (BALPA), compared the budget airlines proposals to the way Ptrans-Pterodactyl Airlines operated. They are furious over proposals to reduce air and cabin crew. Pilots will be expected to operate like driver / conductor on bendy buses.

Passenger groups have not welcomed the proposals and said they are used to being treated like dirt by the airlines but this is going over the top.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Boris Johnson is to bring back the stocks, pillory and the pranger

In an unprecedented move the Mayor of London has acquired a number of devices used by Max Mussel and the wife of a former MI5 officer.

The cruel and unusual punishment devices are to be used as a deterrent to fare dodgers on the London underground. Boris was at pains to state that they would also be used on a 2 strikes and you are out basis.

The Mayor was asked if he would consider bring back the birch for some offences replied that the best tree for London was the Oak

PR guru Bob Crow replied it was against health and safety law and something should be banned and would be a good idea if someone went on strike.

Caroline Lucas has condemned the idea and said the government should be the servant and not the master and could she be first.

The first installation on the 1st of June 2008, will be at the Waterloo and City line, where its known that rich city bankers are the worst offenders.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Tasers could improve memory

Brutal scientific research on prisoners in Texas, the home state of George Bush by the Texas Department of Criminal Justice (TDCJ) has revealed that regular daily electrocutions by the taser improves the memory of some habitual criminals who have in the past been underachievers (thick) there is also links to cognitive skills and IQ.

The TDCJ said the tests were still ongoing and the next phase would be to taser every prisoner once a day in all its institutions.

Ed (76) a reformed criminal is now living a more fruitful life as a result of the taser tests. He said " I have been in and out of prison all my life, I just forgot some things were against the law, now I tend to remember not to do wrong" He also added he had a bad back and a gammy leg and was not so nimble as he was.

Independent studies have exposed a risk of death by electrocution when this practice is done in certain areas when wet. Safety experts have advised not to taser people in the bath, shower or swimming pool. The TDCJ have also stopped using the taser in the wet, they killed 129 inmates in the exercise yard during a rain storm.

Civil liberty groups have condemned this practice in the past but cannot remember when. The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith supported this view and added it would be cheaper to not arrest offenders in the first place.

Jan Berry of the police federation said the taser memory improvement program should be extended to all criminal institutes in the England, she also said that if Jacqui Smith had been tasered last year, she might have remembered their pay rise.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Cockneys claim they invented the coracle, choirs and strikes

In a bitter feud, where East takes on West. The continuing war of words and claims on invention and historical fact, Londoners have hit back over claims that the Welsh invented rhyming slang.

Boris Johnson the self proclaimed spokesman for the Pearly Queens, told the waiting reporter from the 'Rhonda Evening News' that there is no question rhyming slang originated in the East End of London, but also claimed the coracle was first used on the Thames by jellied eel fishermen. He went on to say, when there was a good catch from the Thames estuary, the fishermen would sing in groups for a good old ding dong, these were called choirs.

There was also a link to the eel fishermen and strikes. The popularity of eels soared putting a huge demand on supply. Exhausted Cockneys would after a long week of fishing and singing, withdraw their labour and sit in the currant bun with a couple of Britney Spears until the were Uncle Dick. They would all shout in unison STRIKE when one of their fellows would collapse like a Mickey Monk.

The last remaining coal miner Evan Evans denied he was a Londoner and all these claims were pure nonsense and the they were all a bunch of Wayne Rooneys.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Yulia Tymoshenko and Boris Johnson practice Bagism

Yulia and Boris will mimic John Lennon and Yoko Ohno (not again) in a live "Bed-in" followed by a demonstration on Bagism to raise money for Boris's new campaign to become leader of the Conservative Party.

It has come as no surprise to seven of BJ's admirers that he has declared his intentions. BJ intends to stay with most Tory policies but with a bit more emphasis on reducing the tax on the rich.

His most surprising manifesto suggestion is to remove all troops from Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan and Korea and bring them home to wage war on France.



BJ said France is closer and would cost less to send troops across the channel, they could also utilise the bendy buses for transport as it would not matter if they were lost in the conflict.

Comedy duo and co leaders of the Fascist Labour Only Party (FLOP) Dave and Ed Miliband laughed at the proposals and dismissed them, although pure genius, it would never work as the channel tunnel was never built for bendy buses.

BJ's aid and spokesperson Hillary Clinton said there will be a news conference later tonight.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Funny car driver laughs his head of

Funny car driver Elmer JJ Chickenshack Junior, today lost his head after a bout of somatisation. The bizarre accident happened just before Elmer was to get in his competition yellow, Honda powered dragster.

Witness who saw the myspace favourite just before the bout of really funny hysterics said he looked happy and was full of joy.

Alli Zoloft and overweight depressive was upset because he thought he might start laughing too and was about to complain when Elmer's head started to rotate at the neck, the laughter got louder and louder the head accelerated faster than his funny car. Then in a cruel twist of fate, the head dropped of.

Yaz Cymbalta from Misery, Missouri the duty paramedic, tried in vain to put Chickenshack back together again but sadly failed.

Fans of the star racing driver are to attend an all night vigil at Starbucks and moving on to Pizza Hut for breakfast.

Race organisers will be holding a special trophy race in honour of Elmer next week called the 'Chickenshack Bipolar'

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Freedom of speech to be withdrawn

The centuries old right to freedom of speech is to be withdrawn by the Labour Government in a new amendment added to the Terrorism Act 2006 yesterday. It had previously gone unnoticed as no one was allowed to talk about it.

It has been often debated, inside and outside courts on how far and to what extent people have free speech. Today it has been made clear - not an iota.

Politicians and civil servants will be exempt, but it does not include the Royal family or members of the household. Some newspapers will be free from restrictions, but this depends on donations they make to the Labour party and to how far and to what extent they will support Gordon Brown.

The European Parliament will be holding an emergency meeting as this is seen to contravene the Human Rights Act. It is likely there will be extensive penalties if it goes to extra time in Brussels. Leaked information from the Office of We Love Gordon indicates there could be a compromise where there will be a charge for speech, paid speech could be introduced by end of year.

Home Office officials refused to say anything but did hand out a blank statement, which said nothing.


All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.