Budget airlines to charge for emergency services

Low cost airlines are cutting costs to counter rising fuel prices. The latest initiative is to charge for services which have been traditionally free.

Sick bags have always been free, but no longer, if you want one it will cost £1. if you use it and want it disposed, it will cost a further £1. And airlines will not be allowing passengers to use any unapproved paper bags. The alternative is not to just throw up over the seat in front; however, there will be a clean up cost of £100.

The use of the emergency oxygen will be free for the first gasp, after that there will be a £45 fee per mouthful of air. Life jackets will be available in 2 versions, self inflating at £30 and rubber rings coming in at a bargain price of £1.50. The use of the escape chutes will be included in the airfare.

Going to the toilet will no longer cost a penny but increase to a whooping £7.50 plus 10 pence per toilet roll square.

British Airline Pilots' Association (BALPA), compared the budget airlines proposals to the way Ptrans-Pterodactyl Airlines operated. They are furious over proposals to reduce air and cabin crew. Pilots will be expected to operate like driver / conductor on bendy buses.

Passenger groups have not welcomed the proposals and said they are used to being treated like dirt by the airlines but this is going over the top.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Tasers could improve memory

Brutal scientific research on prisoners in Texas, the home state of George Bush by the Texas Department of Criminal Justice (TDCJ) has revealed that regular daily electrocutions by the taser improves the memory of some habitual criminals who have in the past been underachievers (thick) there is also links to cognitive skills and IQ.

The TDCJ said the tests were still ongoing and the next phase would be to taser every prisoner once a day in all its institutions.

Ed (76) a reformed criminal is now living a more fruitful life as a result of the taser tests. He said " I have been in and out of prison all my life, I just forgot some things were against the law, now I tend to remember not to do wrong" He also added he had a bad back and a gammy leg and was not so nimble as he was.

Independent studies have exposed a risk of death by electrocution when this practice is done in certain areas when wet. Safety experts have advised not to taser people in the bath, shower or swimming pool. The TDCJ have also stopped using the taser in the wet, they killed 129 inmates in the exercise yard during a rain storm.

Civil liberty groups have condemned this practice in the past but cannot remember when. The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith supported this view and added it would be cheaper to not arrest offenders in the first place.

Jan Berry of the police federation said the taser memory improvement program should be extended to all criminal institutes in the England, she also said that if Jacqui Smith had been tasered last year, she might have remembered their pay rise.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Funny car driver laughs his head of

Funny car driver Elmer JJ Chickenshack Junior, today lost his head after a bout of somatisation. The bizarre accident happened just before Elmer was to get in his competition yellow, Honda powered dragster.

Witness who saw the myspace favourite just before the bout of really funny hysterics said he looked happy and was full of joy.

Alli Zoloft and overweight depressive was upset because he thought he might start laughing too and was about to complain when Elmer's head started to rotate at the neck, the laughter got louder and louder the head accelerated faster than his funny car. Then in a cruel twist of fate, the head dropped of.

Yaz Cymbalta from Misery, Missouri the duty paramedic, tried in vain to put Chickenshack back together again but sadly failed.

Fans of the star racing driver are to attend an all night vigil at Starbucks and moving on to Pizza Hut for breakfast.

Race organisers will be holding a special trophy race in honour of Elmer next week called the 'Chickenshack Bipolar'

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.