Blair pours water over Brown at the Labour Party conference!

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Police raid kitchen shop and seize hundreds of knifes

Police today raided silversmiths, cutlers, flatware and kitchen ware shops through out the capitol and were surprised by the number of knifes found on the premises.

Deputy, stand in, might get promoted assistant patrolman Jones said "It was surprising the types of knifes we found, some were designed for cutting meat" he went on to say that commercial kitchens were the next target as there had been reports of some particularly big knifes seen.

Jacqui Smith made a short statement "We are weak on crime and even weaker on the causes of crime" her statement went on to say all knifes will be withdrawn from use in England.

She also gave a hint on other measures they will be putting in place:

• Extending ID cards to all citizens over 5 years of age
  
• Curfews in inner city areas
  
• Issue of stab proof vests to all civil servants

Smithy dismissed opposition leaders requests for more police enforcement and bigger prisons as unrealistic as the country was nearly bankrupt.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Stats show teen drinking reduces after the age of 20; Politician Disagrees

A recent report by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in Birmingham has uncovered that the number of teen drinkers reduced by 100% when they reached their twenties. Vice President elect of AA, Charles Kennedy said this was a milestone in getting the young away from alcohol, but did warn once a pickle always a pickle.

Popular teen magazine 'Teens' did a similar survey but had different results from the seven to twelve year olds they surveyed. The results were not available for publication as the agony aunt ex schools minister Mr Twigg, who carried out the research is not at work due to a hangover.

The temporary minister for beer, John Prescott said while thumping a bystander, "Most problems can be addressed by drinking vast amounts of beer and then throwing up."

He went on to say it was typical "media hype" saying, "Margret Thatcher famously became the first MP to be accused of being sober while at the House of Commons dispatch box. Goliath is a celebrity binge drinker, Herbert Asquith, was known for swaying precariously on his knees in the House of Commons and the famous Annie's Bar was named after Catholic MP Ann Widdecombe. "

Mr Prescott was then escorted from the bar.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Professor claims Cockney Rhyming Slang was invented by the Welsh

Professor Richard Aaron's secret and unpublished journal on the Efrydia Athronyddol has revealed startling facts that the rhyming slang first started by a Welsh poacher in the 5th century AD, who was late home for his dinner.

The poachers wife asked "Ble oeddet ti am unarddeg o'r gloch neithiwr?" to which the happy coracle paddling poacher replied "Ro'n i'n meddwi 'da ffrindiau"

Geoffrey of Monmouth came to hear of this and immediately endorsed it as part of their culture. It took until 1838 before this was challenged by Lady Charlotte Guest who claimed a new coded language had been found in the East End of London and was developed by a local lost tribe of Costa Mongers.

Aarons journal has now changed all previous claims and is absolute proof that Cockney Rhyming Slang should now be referred to Welsh Rhyming Slang.

Famous Cockneys Dick Van Dyke and Audrey Hepburn are shocked by this new revelation and feel as if their heritage has been taken from them.

Windsor Davies was not so shocked and said 'It could just be a simple case of the Welsh emigrating into the East End many years ago and bring the slang with them.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

South Coast Council aims to shoot cyclists

Many councils along the South Coast are planning to mount machine gun nests and shoot illegal cyclists. The trouble spots are mainly cycle routes but could include wide pedestrian walkways and roads.

Councillors are said to be fed up with cyclists ignoring the rules and wearing out the tarmac on cycle routes, stating that resurfacing costs are increasing and they had to find a way to reduce the wear and tear from bicycles.

Local mayors have pooled resources and will jointly build sandbanks, machine gun nests and CCTV. The CCTV will be monitored by Council caretakers and the machine gun posts by ex storm troopers. Patrols will be done jointly by police, rangers and ex Para military types.

Spokesman for the oil industry said it was about time this lot of tree huggers started paying tax and buying petrol and fully backed this initiative.

The Cycling United Club (CUC) of Great Britain were shocked and amazed at today's revelations and refused to make any comment until later today. They did however supply a written statement which said they would be supplying free paint ball guns and ammunition to all its members in the Wessex area, so they could defend themselves.

The Wessex branch of the CUC did make a short statement via there club president and sponsor Billie Piper, " I know what its like to have a crash landing, just look at my teeth. I / we will not allow our members to be molested like this, they could crash"

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Cockneys claim they invented the coracle, choirs and strikes

In a bitter feud, where East takes on West. The continuing war of words and claims on invention and historical fact, Londoners have hit back over claims that the Welsh invented rhyming slang.

Boris Johnson the self proclaimed spokesman for the Pearly Queens, told the waiting reporter from the 'Rhonda Evening News' that there is no question rhyming slang originated in the East End of London, but also claimed the coracle was first used on the Thames by jellied eel fishermen. He went on to say, when there was a good catch from the Thames estuary, the fishermen would sing in groups for a good old ding dong, these were called choirs.

There was also a link to the eel fishermen and strikes. The popularity of eels soared putting a huge demand on supply. Exhausted Cockneys would after a long week of fishing and singing, withdraw their labour and sit in the currant bun with a couple of Britney Spears until the were Uncle Dick. They would all shout in unison STRIKE when one of their fellows would collapse like a Mickey Monk.

The last remaining coal miner Evan Evans denied he was a Londoner and all these claims were pure nonsense and the they were all a bunch of Wayne Rooneys.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.