Celebrity makeover girls sacked

The popular presenters of the BBC television series, What Not to Wear, Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine have been sacked and replaced by Ruth Kelly and Ann Widdecombe

Fashion gurus have said it been a long time coming as the pair had lost all sense of reality a long time ago. Despite the criticism, Trinny and Susannah have said they will still be advising the rich and famous on fashion, Victoria Beckham and Nora Batty to name a few.

Ruth and Anne said they will jump with joy, when they come down a few sizes, to celebrate their new jobs. They went on to say the auditions were very tough as there were a lot of others applying for the position.

Among the losers was a bitter Wendy Alexander she said "Its always the bimbos with no brains that win these competitions". Hazel Blears who came in third, was slightly more diplomatic with her response "Ann and Ruth have had so many rejections in the past, it was time they won something"

The new show will be broadcast on Christmas Day 2008 immediately after the Queens speech. Applications for a makeover should be sent as soon as possible as there are no places left.


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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

The Lone Voice: Gordon Brown - Downfall.

The Lone Voice: Gordon Brown - Downfall.


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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

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Police raid kitchen shop and seize hundreds of knifes

Police today raided silversmiths, cutlers, flatware and kitchen ware shops through out the capitol and were surprised by the number of knifes found on the premises.

Deputy, stand in, might get promoted assistant patrolman Jones said "It was surprising the types of knifes we found, some were designed for cutting meat" he went on to say that commercial kitchens were the next target as there had been reports of some particularly big knifes seen.

Jacqui Smith made a short statement "We are weak on crime and even weaker on the causes of crime" her statement went on to say all knifes will be withdrawn from use in England.

She also gave a hint on other measures they will be putting in place:

• Extending ID cards to all citizens over 5 years of age
  
• Curfews in inner city areas
  
• Issue of stab proof vests to all civil servants

Smithy dismissed opposition leaders requests for more police enforcement and bigger prisons as unrealistic as the country was nearly bankrupt.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Tasers could improve memory

Brutal scientific research on prisoners in Texas, the home state of George Bush by the Texas Department of Criminal Justice (TDCJ) has revealed that regular daily electrocutions by the taser improves the memory of some habitual criminals who have in the past been underachievers (thick) there is also links to cognitive skills and IQ.

The TDCJ said the tests were still ongoing and the next phase would be to taser every prisoner once a day in all its institutions.

Ed (76) a reformed criminal is now living a more fruitful life as a result of the taser tests. He said " I have been in and out of prison all my life, I just forgot some things were against the law, now I tend to remember not to do wrong" He also added he had a bad back and a gammy leg and was not so nimble as he was.

Independent studies have exposed a risk of death by electrocution when this practice is done in certain areas when wet. Safety experts have advised not to taser people in the bath, shower or swimming pool. The TDCJ have also stopped using the taser in the wet, they killed 129 inmates in the exercise yard during a rain storm.

Civil liberty groups have condemned this practice in the past but cannot remember when. The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith supported this view and added it would be cheaper to not arrest offenders in the first place.

Jan Berry of the police federation said the taser memory improvement program should be extended to all criminal institutes in the England, she also said that if Jacqui Smith had been tasered last year, she might have remembered their pay rise.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Hazel Blears to be Shortest Deputy PM in History

Hazel Blears to be shortest deputy PM in the history of Parliament. Hazel will take office during the summer break to cover for Gordon Brown while he holidays at Centre Parcs in the Sherwood Forest.

It has been rumoured that Gordon will not be long in Sherwood and his break will be cut short to a day by a hoodie called Robin.

Hazel Blears statement was short and to the point "If I am in office for only one short day, I will still be proud to have done my duty"

A waiting fan (her husband) asked if she would like the office on a more permanent basis? To which she replied "Yes"


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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Gordon Brown hires production team and cast of neighbours

Labour have said they need to portray a modern and upbeat image to suit the charisma and moral values of Mr Brown.

Neighbours, a popular soap for mindless people, is seen to be a model for the Labour Party as there are a number of similarities, neither are taken seriously. They both have had the same old storyline for over 20 years despite the numerous character changes.

A spokesman for the production team has said they are actively writing the script for the next cabinet meeting and Caroline Flint will be having an on / off relationship with the press. George Bush is going to play the baddy turned good.

Official statement will be made before the elections in July 08.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Dolphins assassinated by French frogmen

Hommes-grenouilles of the Marine Nationale (French Navy) have killed at least 26 dolphins they thought were defence forces of the British Navy. The murderous act was done in preparation for the invasion of Cornwall and its tin mines.

A spokesman for the French Navy, Vice-amiral d'escadre, Henri Désiré Landru denied all the allegations and would not comment further until his lawyer was present.

The main material for making French cars is tin as it is (was) easily stolen from Cornwall. Industry insiders have said the French automobile makers, Citroen and Renault, are short of tin and are now taking desperate measures to replenish their stockpiles, but the new British defences have been making it difficult for them.



According to defence documents found on the Piccadilly line last night, the dolphins had been trained to defend the Cornish coast line as they were more expendable and cheaper than ships.

The MOD, RSPCA and Ruth Kelly are to make a joint statement later today

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.