Church Army declares war on Salvation Army

A centuries old bitter feud has broken out in Eastcheap, London.

Both armies have accused each other of "dragging the church into the gutter".

Hostilities started this morning after evening song, where insults were exchanged on the mission steps, activists from the Salvation Army started to throw full verse into the mêlée, antagonising the antagonists to start hurling full blown chants.

Police arrived in full riot gear and ear defenders but could do little to stop the now fully voiced choirs of both armies, they did however bring in the Jesus Army to mediate.

The hymns soon turned into dirges as the 'talks' broke down and the Jesus Army joined in the good fight with gay abandon.

Local resident and street urchin Tommy Booth-Carlile said " Cor luv a duck, they've been arguing over the turf here for years, I hope they don't forget my soup tonight"

Police have now closed of the East End of London and Kensington and have set up road blocks to prevent Quakers joining in the free for all. Police sources have also warned beggars and other low life not to drink the soup as Quakers have been known to throw oats into the broth.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Northern Rock to Sponsor the London Olympics

Londoners jump for joy as pressure on their council tax is lightened with today's announcement from reinstated CEO Adam Applegarth.

Applegarth stated that the company needed to re-establish its identification and best way was to invest shareholders money in the biggest lost leader it can find. It is thought the donation could be as much as £100 million with the new loan from the Bank of England.

Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment but his newly appointed spokespersons made some comments.

Edwina Currie said, "Most of the egg production in this country, sadly, is now affected with salmonella."

Lembit Opik added, "I think it is unjust for people to discriminate against rocks, north or south they are all the same."

Allah Sugar couldn't Adam and Eve it but said "any money is good money."

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Professor claims Cockney Rhyming Slang was invented by the Welsh

Professor Richard Aaron's secret and unpublished journal on the Efrydia Athronyddol has revealed startling facts that the rhyming slang first started by a Welsh poacher in the 5th century AD, who was late home for his dinner.

The poachers wife asked "Ble oeddet ti am unarddeg o'r gloch neithiwr?" to which the happy coracle paddling poacher replied "Ro'n i'n meddwi 'da ffrindiau"

Geoffrey of Monmouth came to hear of this and immediately endorsed it as part of their culture. It took until 1838 before this was challenged by Lady Charlotte Guest who claimed a new coded language had been found in the East End of London and was developed by a local lost tribe of Costa Mongers.

Aarons journal has now changed all previous claims and is absolute proof that Cockney Rhyming Slang should now be referred to Welsh Rhyming Slang.

Famous Cockneys Dick Van Dyke and Audrey Hepburn are shocked by this new revelation and feel as if their heritage has been taken from them.

Windsor Davies was not so shocked and said 'It could just be a simple case of the Welsh emigrating into the East End many years ago and bring the slang with them.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Nuclear missile silo leaking radiation - London

A nuclear missile silo has started to leak in central London, the silo was installed at the height of the cold war. The secrecy of the installation was kept so secret that even the professional secret people did not know where it was.

The location, Trafalgar Square was discovered by amateur Geiger counter users who roam the streets of London at night looking for alien invasion evidence.

Ministry of Defence investigators were called and at first were a little foxed until a red headed scholar at the MOD revealed the deadly truth.

The Cabinet office has said there is no need to panic and Londoners should go indoors, stay in, tune in and follow the advice on there website.

No other information can be obtained as it appears everyone has left for a long weekend.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.