Many councils along the South Coast are planning to mount machine gun nests and shoot illegal cyclists. The trouble spots are mainly cycle routes but could include wide pedestrian walkways and roads.
Councillors are said to be fed up with cyclists ignoring the rules and wearing out the tarmac on cycle routes, stating that resurfacing costs are increasing and they had to find a way to reduce the wear and tear from bicycles.
Local mayors have pooled resources and will jointly build sandbanks, machine gun nests and CCTV. The CCTV will be monitored by Council caretakers and the machine gun posts by ex storm troopers. Patrols will be done jointly by police, rangers and ex Para military types.
Spokesman for the oil industry said it was about time this lot of tree huggers started paying tax and buying petrol and fully backed this initiative.
The Cycling United Club (CUC) of Great Britain were shocked and amazed at today's revelations and refused to make any comment until later today. They did however supply a written statement which said they would be supplying free paint ball guns and ammunition to all its members in the Wessex area, so they could defend themselves.
The Wessex branch of the CUC did make a short statement via there club president and sponsor Billie Piper, " I know what its like to have a crash landing, just look at my teeth. I / we will not allow our members to be molested like this, they could crash"
All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.