Basingstoke Town FC sign Joey Barton

Basingstoke Town football club have today announced the signing of Joey Barton when he leaves prison.

The club secretary who was not available for comment said "Joe will bring some excellent street fighting skills to the club. We plan to role out these skills not only to our apprentices and juniors but to all our fans as well"

Stoke supporters have welcomed the move and intend to be outside Parkhurst prison on Bartons release date and hope to provoke him into a fight - "we need a role model that can walk the talk," said Bert the groundsman.

Club sponsors 'Hello Kitty' have given there approval and plan a new advertising campaign where Naomi Campbell and Joe team up to beat up some officials. Company press release stated, "Tokidoki was to tame and needed spicing up, Hello Kitty, Naomi and Joey are a peeerfect combination"

Airport staff / referees and team mates and friends are going to be main targets. Club sponsors stressed it will be light hearted and mainly for fun.

David Beckham said this is a sad day for the beautiful game of 3 halves and is considering his next move.

Radio 5 presenters are expected to go to Lincolnshire to find Basingstoke as they have not heard of the team and do not know what league its in.

Retired football pundit Alan Hanson gave this stark warning - the end of the world is nigh.

Breaking news - Kevin Keegan buys Newcastle United and requests Joe to be returned....

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Naomi Campbell in screaming fit

Scots lass, Miss Campbell went into an uncontrollable rage today after insulting herself in front of millions.

Nutty Naomi shouted to Kay Burley that she was not in a rage, just reacting to the red headed and black eyed reporters questions. The reporter asked further questions on BA and racism, which made the once famous supermodel give a manic look in the direction of Burley and said "look lady, when you have 2 black eyes, we will talk"

Minders then hustled the dark destroyer into a waiting limousine. Campbell's spokesperson Kirsty Wigglesworth handed out a brief statement, which referred mainly to Vincent Van Gough, the Berkshire Hunt and the re-release of Naomi's hit single Love and Tantrums from her latest album, I used to be good looking, now I'm a useless crispy duck.

Kay Burley is due to interview Sarah Palin about her latest Facebook entry and her photo album of her in compromising positions in the Mayors office.

All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.