Northern Rock to Sponsor the London Olympics

Londoners jump for joy as pressure on their council tax is lightened with today's announcement from reinstated CEO Adam Applegarth.

Applegarth stated that the company needed to re-establish its identification and best way was to invest shareholders money in the biggest lost leader it can find. It is thought the donation could be as much as £100 million with the new loan from the Bank of England.

Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment but his newly appointed spokespersons made some comments.

Edwina Currie said, "Most of the egg production in this country, sadly, is now affected with salmonella."

Lembit Opik added, "I think it is unjust for people to discriminate against rocks, north or south they are all the same."

Allah Sugar couldn't Adam and Eve it but said "any money is good money."

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.

Budget airlines to charge for emergency services

Low cost airlines are cutting costs to counter rising fuel prices. The latest initiative is to charge for services which have been traditionally free.

Sick bags have always been free, but no longer, if you want one it will cost £1. if you use it and want it disposed, it will cost a further £1. And airlines will not be allowing passengers to use any unapproved paper bags. The alternative is not to just throw up over the seat in front; however, there will be a clean up cost of £100.

The use of the emergency oxygen will be free for the first gasp, after that there will be a £45 fee per mouthful of air. Life jackets will be available in 2 versions, self inflating at £30 and rubber rings coming in at a bargain price of £1.50. The use of the escape chutes will be included in the airfare.

Going to the toilet will no longer cost a penny but increase to a whooping £7.50 plus 10 pence per toilet roll square.

British Airline Pilots' Association (BALPA), compared the budget airlines proposals to the way Ptrans-Pterodactyl Airlines operated. They are furious over proposals to reduce air and cabin crew. Pilots will be expected to operate like driver / conductor on bendy buses.

Passenger groups have not welcomed the proposals and said they are used to being treated like dirt by the airlines but this is going over the top.

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All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.