A guide to visiting London

A guide to visiting London – especially relevant for the 2012 Olympics

Using Trains

There are no seats on trains in UK. You may see some seats, but these are reserved for the local population. It is also worth noting that frequent users will have their own seat, these cannot be used without prior permission.

• The playing of music is forbidden.

• Talking is allowed, but it must be quiet.

Children are allowed during non peak hours and must be restrained from running around and talking. Please note; making reference to choo choo trains and reference to Thomas the Tank, is strictly forbidden.

Refreshments are not supplied on any trains, except for the occasional trolley service. Usually this service is only provided when the trains are empty.

All passengers are strictly barred from eating smelly or noisy food on trains. Travellers are allowed to drink water and eat biscuits.

Please note, bags and luggage are not allowed to occupy seats.

Using the Underground

The rules are the same as using trains, although there are some additional requirements.

The underground cannot be used by visitors during the peak hours; 0600 to 1800. However visitors have 12 hours of unrestricted use of the seats outside of the peak hours. 

Visitors must stand on the right on all escalators and travelling walkways. The left side of the walkway must be kept clear of bags and children.

If passengers wish to use the left side of escalators and travelling walkways, they are required to walk fast or jog.

Using the bus

All visitors get free travel on any bendy bus they can find in London, all other buses are reserved for the local residents and workers.

When waiting for a bus, please wait in line until you are called by the conductor.

Walking in London

Visitors are not permitted to walk slowly or stop without warning. They are also required to give way to faster walkers and important people.

Walkers are not allowed to take photos without prior permission of the government.

People walking in London are not permitted to use trolley suitcases, push prams or pushchairs. The use of mobile phones or smart phones while walking is strictly forbidden and can attract and on the spot fine. 

Using taxis

The London taxi is a popular form of transport in London, visitors are free to use them at any time during peak hours only- users must leave generous tips to the drivers as they are very poor and have large families to support.

Top tip;

Always ask to go the long route, for example if you get on a taxi at one of London’s main railway stations and you want to go to the Olympic stadium – ask to go via the scenic route via Birmingham.

We all hope you have a very pleasant stay in London.

. All articles on this blog are untrue and fabricated. Any similarity to persons, dead or alive, is totally fluky or is intended simply as a satire, parody or spoof.